You Don’t Have to Forgive to Heal

Dylan Moore, Founder Balanced Analysis LLC and Breaking Barriers University

We’ve been told a lie. A well-meaning, often-repeated lie that says, “You have to forgive to heal.” That healing is impossible unless you let go, move on, and grant forgiveness to those who hurt you. But what if that’s not true? What if healing isn’t about them at all?

The truth is, you don’t have to forgive to heal. Healing is about reclaiming your power, making peace with your pain, and learning to live fully despite what happened to you. Forgiveness might be a part of some people’s healing journeys, but it’s not a requirement—and forcing it before you’re ready (or when it isn’t aligned with your truth) can actually do more harm than good.

If you’ve ever struggled with the pressure to forgive, feeling like you’re failing at healing because you just can’t, let’s talk. Because you are allowed to heal on your terms.

When I Realized I Didn’t Need to Forgive

For years, I carried the weight of a painful experience, believing that the only way to really move on was to forgive the person who hurt me. I heard it everywhere—“Forgiveness is for you, not for them.” “You won’t be free until you forgive.” And I wanted that freedom. I wanted to heal.

So I tried. I tried to convince myself I had forgiven. I tried to rewrite the story in my head to make their actions seem more understandable. I tried to force a feeling I didn’t have. And every time I failed, I felt stuck. Like I was broken, like my healing wasn’t valid because I wasn’t “doing it right.”

Then, one day, I had a realization that changed everything: I didn’t have to forgive to move forward. What I needed wasn’t some forced sense of forgiveness—it was release. I needed to focus on my healing, my boundaries, and my freedom.

If you’re feeling that same weight, I want you to know: You don’t owe anyone forgiveness to claim your healing. You are allowed to take back your power in your own way.

The Pressure to Forgive

We live in a culture that glorifies forgiveness as the ultimate sign of strength and healing. We hear it in therapy, in religious spaces, in self-help books—this idea that forgiving the people who hurt us is the key to inner peace. And for some, it might be. But for many, that expectation feels impossible, even harmful.

Here’s why:

• It minimizes real pain. When people push forgiveness too soon, it can feel like they’re dismissing the harm done to you. As if what happened should just be “let go” because it makes others more comfortable.
• It puts pressure on the wrong person. Why should you be the one to do emotional labor for someone else’s actions? Healing should be about you, not about making peace with what they did.
• It creates shame when forgiveness doesn’t come easily. If you’re struggling to forgive, it’s easy to think something is wrong with you. (Spoiler: Nothing is wrong with you.)
• It ignores that some wounds are too deep to reconcile. Not every hurt deserves forgiveness. Some people will never be sorry, and some actions are simply unforgivable. And that’s okay.

Healing isn’t about making what happened okay. It’s about learning to move forward despite it.

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How to Move Forward Without Forgiveness

So if forgiveness isn’t the requirement for healing, what is? How do you reclaim your life, your heart, and your peace without feeling obligated to forgive? Here are some steps:

1. Shift the Focus to Your Own Healing

Instead of asking, “How do I forgive?” try asking, “What do I need to feel whole again?” Maybe it’s therapy. Maybe it’s boundaries. Maybe it’s simply acknowledging the depth of your pain. Your healing is about you, not them.

2. Let Go Without Reconciliation

Letting go isn’t the same as forgiving. You can release the grip that pain has on you without excusing what happened. You don’t have to make peace with them—you just need to make peace with yourself.

3. Set Boundaries That Protect You

Some people preach forgiveness as a way to “keep the peace,” but real peace comes from protecting yourself. If someone has shown they can’t respect or care for you, you are allowed to cut them off. Healing doesn’t require giving them another chance.

4. Honor Your Feelings—Even the Hard Ones

Anger, grief, resentment—these aren’t “bad” emotions. They are natural responses to being hurt. Give yourself permission to feel them, express them, and process them in your own time. You don’t have to rush to feel something you don’t.

5. Redefine What Closure Means

Closure doesn’t come from an apology or from making amends. It comes from you, from deciding that this chapter no longer controls your story. You don’t need an “I’m sorry” to move forward—you just need the choice to do so on your own terms.

Rising Fierce and Free

At the end of the day, healing is not about checking off a list of what others think you should do. It’s about finding what brings you peace. And if forgiveness isn’t part of that? That’s okay. You are still healing. You are still growing. You are still worthy of a beautiful, full life.

So if you’ve been struggling with the idea that you “have to forgive” to be free, I hope this gives you permission to release that pressure. You don’t have to forgive. You don’t have to force peace. You just have to choose yourself.

Let’s talk—what has helped you heal on your own terms? Drop a comment, share your journey, and know that in this space, you are seen, supported, and rising fierce and free.

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Hi, I’m Dylan Moore — and I’m here to help you move past the pain and the trauma that have stood in the way of your healing.

For over 30 years, I’ve guided women through emotional recovery and personal transformation. As an Author and Cognitive Behavioral Specialist, my mission is to empower you with the tools and support you need to break free from the past.

I founded Balanced Analysis LLC and Breaking Barriers University to make healing practical, approachable, and real. I take complex psychological concepts and turn them into clear, actionable steps—always with compassion and care.

Now, it’s your turn to release the hurt and step into the greatest version of who you were always meant to be. And I’ll be right here to walk that path with you.